To the outside world, Claudia Stevenson is living the dream. The perfect home, a beautiful family and a successful career all hide the nightmare that is going on behind closed doors. Trapped in an emotionally turbulent, verbally abusive marriage, Claudia yearns to escape.
When Alex reappears in her life after seventeen years, Claudia is faced with a choice: Does she run while she can, or does she stay?
Her decision leads her on a dangerous path where, in a tragic twist of circumstances, she finds herself watching her life spiral out of control.
Based on actual events, Four in the Morning is a story of love, tragedy, forgiveness and redemption. It is a powerful personal documentation of unshared truths, dedicated to a family whose lives were left shattered in the aftermath of events that will never be fully understood.
This is the song that inspired the title of my book.
Thank you Gwen Stefani.
She woke from her sleep with her heart pounding in her chest and her eyes darting wildly around the room. She could still hear his voice in her head.
“I’ll never take you back!” he hissed down the phone. “I’ll never take you back.”
A click. And then silence.
This was the last time they would speak.
Were we once?
She let her eyes take in the words as she felt a tremble down her spine and her heart skip a beat. It had been seventeen years. She was a grown woman, married with two children. She was running a successful business, living in a beautiful home and, to the outside world, she had the perfect life.
Not knowing what the message itself contained, she slowly pointed her mouse over the words, clicked, and held her breath.
Hi Claudia! Are you currently married? I am trying to remember your maiden name. Do you, by any chance, remember me? Regards, Alex
Sometimes, in the depths of one’s despair, a knight in shining armour comes along, sweeps us up off the dusty earth, and carries us away from the life we were desperate to leave behind. Over a period of time, grateful for being rescued and unsure of the place to which this all might lead, a person may become shrouded with feelings of guilt in return for the kindness that was shown, the reasons for which will be explained shortly.
Loneliness and lovelessness is a terrible place to be. Claudia and Gareth had been married for twelve rather platonic years. He never ceased reminding her of how he had been there for her all those years ago and that if it were not for him and his family, she would have never amounted to much. Claudia truly believed that he was right and always acknowledged the debt that she owed him, even though she did not know how she was ever going to be able to repay him. As the years melted away, she struggled to love him. She wondered sometimes whether she had ever really been in love with him or whether the love that existed between them was more obligatory from her side. Love on extended credit terms, as if he’d been a love loan shark of sorts.
He was depressed and took a sadistic pleasure in bringing her bright soul down with him. His scathing tongue and judgemental nature often left her reeling. Her soul shrank as he demeaned her and criticised her in front of his family and her friends. How could a man who professed to love her so much speak to her as if she meant nothing to him? She would watch movies where two people would connect on such a deep level that they were virtually inseparable. She watched as couples would hug each other and kiss each other, not out of any form of marital obligation but from a place of absolute love. Sadly, Claudia realised that what she had with Gareth was not love, and yet she longed to experience this with every fibre of her being.
The human spirit is a funny thing. When it feels undernourished, it eventually tires of the depravity and goes off in search of sustenance. Sometimes, it is actively sought out; other times, it invites itself in unannounced.
A deep friendship had formed between the two women, both of whom were unconsciously seeking a way out of the mundaneness of their loveless marriages. It began with their two young children, who had formed a bond at school, culminating in numerous social invitations, which often continued late into the evenings.
Their time spent together was often one of each woman unburdening her soul, each seeking a deeper meaning in their stories. Denise had been repeatedly molested by her stepfather as a young girl, and he was serving time in prison for murdering her mother in cold blood. He had walked in on Denise’s mother and a lover briefly after their separation and, in a blinding rage, had returned to his car to retrieve his pistol and turned it on both of them. Denise’s mother was wrenched from her life, and she was left to put the shattered pieces of her life back together.
The deep friendship soon became more than that. The two women felt as if their souls were intertwined, and each began experiencing feelings towards the other that went far beyond the boundaries of friendship.
It was New Year’s Eve. Denise, her husband and their children were spending the night at Claudia and Gareth’s holiday home at a dam out in the countryside. The revelry continued late into the night as the house party became a street party, and copious amounts of intoxicating liquids were consumed.
Gareth had left the party and was spying on a set of neighbours who were performing carnal acts behind semi-closed curtains. Denise and Claudia had, with their arms around each other’s waists, teetered up the street, holding each other up, giggling uncontrollably. Denise’s husband had passed out in one of the outside chairs, and they quietly crept past him. Closing the door, they both fell on to the bed in the master suite, whispering and reminiscing about the evening’s events. The chatter soon quietened, and the two women found themselves locked in each other’s embrace. They stared into each other’s eyes, both knowing that they were on the brink of crossing into forbidden territory, while the fuzziness of inebriation removed the usual boundaries of inhibition.
Breathing quickened, and hands snaked around the other’s body, each craving the contact of the other one’s skin. Lips parted and touched, and soon, the two women were completely lost in each other, each feeling the relief of the longing that they had both kept at arm’s length from each other for what seemed like an excruciating amount of time.
Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open and glaring at the two women from the shadows stood Gareth, his eyes wild with hurt and anger.
“I knew it,” he seethed. “I knew that there was something going on between the two of you!”
The words shot through Claudia’s heart, and suddenly, a deep sense of sobriety came over her. Denise hurriedly straightened her clothes and stumbled off the bed, apologising as she pushed past Gareth in the doorway.
“It’s not what you think, Gareth,” Claudia pleaded, suddenly realising what it must have looked like through her husband’s eyes and feeling secretly relieved that it had not gone any further than it did. With tears running uncontrollably down her face and mascara streaking across her cheekbones, wishing the world would swallow her up, she reeled as Gareth yelled at her to leave the room. Claudia stood in the passageway, feeling the floors and the walls vibrate as he slammed the bedroom door behind her. It was then that she knew that her life had changed its course and that when the sun rose, friendships would need to be reassessed, and a marriage would need to be rebuilt.
Yet when the sun’s golden fingers reached through the gaps in the curtains and played with the curls of hair that fell across her face, Claudia awoke, not with a gripping sense of fear in her heart, but rather a sense of peace. Peace at having opened her soul up to another human being, someone who loved her unconditionally, someone who got her, someone who made her feel that she was worthy and not some dismal failure with an almost suffocating debt that hung over her head like a sword.
She rose from the sofa and slowly tiptoed towards the bedroom where Denise and her husband were still fast asleep, Denise’s husband oblivious to what had happened within metres of where he had been sleeping the previous evening. She looked down at her friend, wondering how she would feel when she awoke and how they would plan their way forward, each knowing that so much had been said and yet so much had been left unsaid while an even deeper connection had been forged between the two women.
Claudia walked over to the master bedroom, the door still shut. She grasped the cold metal handle and turned it. It clicked, but the door was locked. She suddenly felt the fear welling up from her stomach and wrapping its icy fingers around her throat. She felt as if she was a prisoner, a trespasser, even though she was on the other side of the cell. Breathing in slowly through her teeth and feeling the skin on her neck prickle with dread and trepidation, she made a fist and quietly knocked on the door.
“Gareth,” she whispered. “Gareth, are you awake? Please open the door.”
At first, there was silence, but then she heard movement behind the door and then the key turning in the lock. The door slowly opened, and Gareth stood there, staring at her with a look of disappointment and disbelief in his eyes.
“I don’t know what you want me to say to you,” he said quietly under his breath. “I don’t know what to say.”
Claudia felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she realised the enormity of what he had witnessed the night before.
“Can I come in? Can we just talk this through? I need you to hear me out,” she whispered, worried about waking Denise and her husband in the room next door.
Gareth stepped back to allow Claudia to walk past him. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her face cupped in her hands.
“We were drunk,” she said as he stood against the closed door, looking down at her. “I don’t even know how it happened – it all happened so fast. I thought we were going to lie down and pass out after everything we’d had to drink. I didn’t know where you were. I wasn’t even thinking about you because I knew you’d probably gone and joined another party.”
“What the hell were you thinking?” he whispered loudly. “We’re married, and we have two children – are you ready to just throw everything away? For her? What about us?”
Claudia sat staring blankly at the floor, her body completely numb, thoughts rushing through her head but being unable to hold on to even just one of them.
“Gareth, there’s no love left between us,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “Even though I am still coming to terms with what happened last night, I know that none of this would have happened if we’d just worked through our stuff when we had the chance. I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you. You can’t give me the love that I need, but I’ve found that love in Denise. I love her so much, so much that my heart aches. And yet, I have such a deep sense of responsibility towards you and the boys. I can’t let our marriage go, but I can’t let her go either. I just need some time to work things out. I know I’ve hurt you, and I know it’s going to take time for you to forgive me, but I feel as if we’ve reached a turning point in our marriage, and we’ve got to figure out how we can fix this – if we can even begin to fix this.”
Gareth slumped against the wall and sighed.
“Okay,” he said. “I really love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I am confused, and I don’t know how to make room for a third person in our relationship. Does Denise feel the same? What about her kids and her marriage?”
“I don’t know,” Claudia said, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “Everything just seems so complicated. We haven’t spoken since last night, so I don’t even know what she’s thinking or feeling or whether she even remembers what happened.”
Gareth straightened his body against the wall and opened the bedroom door. “Look, I really don’t know what to do right now. Let’s just try to get through the day. We can try to work this out once they’re gone. I’m going to make coffee.”
He turned and left the room, and Claudia lifted her head and stared at herself in the dressing table mirror. Twenty-four hours ago, everything had been so different.
“Morning!” she heard Denise’s voice calling through the doorway. “You sleep well, my friend?”
Claudia looked up at Denise and smiled. “Yeah, and you?”
Denise laughed and went on to explain in great detail that their bed had been attacked by an army of ants and that she thought they had carried her out of the bed during the night.
“How are you feeling after last night?” Claudia asked, desperately trying to figure out whether last night had even happened in her friend’s eyes.
“Oh, a bit of a headache, but I’ll be okay,” she smiled. “Where’s Gareth?”
“Making coffee,” said Claudia, “He’s in a bit of a bad space this morning, so just be careful when you go through, okay?”
Denise’s eyes widened, and then she smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll go and talk to him. Everything will be alright.”
Claudia suddenly felt empty. How was it possible that something that had meant everything to her had meant so little to Denise? She was practically skirting around the subject as if nothing had happened. Confused and sad, she got up and took a long shower, letting the water wash away her hopes and fantasies and dreams of happiness. She felt like a complete idiot.
Sometimes, the Universe plays tricks on us – mind games designed to make us reassess our perceived realities. Sometimes those tricks are unfair and taunting, like bullies on a playground, spinning around like a merry-go-round, chasing and teasing and cruelly laughing; and sometimes they are like rose-tinted lenses, making things appear to be in a state of blissful perfection for a period of time, only to be shattered by a word, or a look, or a thought, or a deed.
In Claudia’s case, it was the sight of Denise’s car driving off down the road later that day, windows open and children’s hands waving out the back windows. A feeling of emptiness crept into her soul like a thick cloud of fog over a dusty township on a winter’s morning.
After a few days of stilted conversation, Claudia decided that she could no longer stand the gaping cavern that had opened up between her and Denise. She picked up the telephone and asked that they meet – sooner rather than later.
It was a wintery day, but they sat outside under the weak rays of winter sunlight. Finally, Claudia could say everything she’d been holding on to.
“Denise,” she started, biting her lower lip nervously. “How much of what happened on New Year’s Eve do you remember? I’m not talking about the party, though – I’m talking about what happened between you and me when Gareth walked in on us.”
Denise sighed and crossed her arms.
“Look, Claudia,” she said uneasily. “I remember what happened. It’s a bit hazy, but I remember enough. I love you, my friend, so much, but we’ve got to pretend this never happened. I can’t wreck the life I’ve worked so hard to build for my family just for the sake of my own selfish needs. God, I would do anything for it to just be the two of us together. We understand each other. We’re soul mates. I’ve never connected with anyone like I’ve connected with you. But no, this chapter needs to be closed. It never happened, okay?”
It was with those words that Claudia’s world shattered and tinkled to the floor in a million little pieces. She felt a gust of wind blowing around her feet and watched the pieces drift off into the sky like tiny dandelions, and she knew in that moment that she had no choice but to bring her focus back to Gareth and find a way, any possible way, to dig deep into her heart and soul and reconnect with her husband. It was either that, or she was going to have to make her own way in the world, just her and the children. She had always said that she’d rather be alone and happy than in a relationship where she’d lost all sense of who she was and where she was going. And in truth, it was the latter rather than the former that rang true for her right then.
The great enigma of life is its circle of often unintended beginnings and incongruent endings that, over time, loop around into new and yet completely unforeseen beginnings and endings. Circumstances that flow backwards and forwards like waves in the ocean, sometimes gentle and serene but other times tumultuous and unsettling as they crash into the shoreline like an angry fist pummels a table.
Occasionally a restless and impatient current will pull you backwards away from safety, sucking you into a dark abyss of swirling water while you scramble for safety as sharp rocks and seaweed pull away from under your desperate grip as you are washed further and further away from the shore.
Claudia found herself walking into the sea of her life, scrunching the sand under her toes and allowing the gentle tide to pull the straws of sand out from under her feet.
For seventeen years, Claudia’s diary had remained tucked away in the back of a cupboard like a time capsule waiting to be reopened. It was her diary from her final year of school, a time when she had documented a period in her life when she had met a shy young man with stars in his eyes who captured her heart and her soul and sent her on an emotional rollercoaster of undiscovered truths and painful reckonings.
The relationship ended as quickly as it had begun as Claudia walked away from Alex with a chasmal hole in her heart. Their lives had been crushed by the merciless hand of Fate, who had decided that the timing for their souls to be together hadn’t been quite right.
But a new script was being written to bring them together again.
As one year flowed into another, Claudia would often come across her diary and secretly open it up to travel back in time. She would find herself catching her breath as she saw his name written in her handwriting on those yellowing pages. How she longed to see him again…
Claudia’s sister Elizabeth – who was eleven years younger than her – had been begging Claudia to sign up for the 2007‘s latest craze: Facebook.
Claudia was in her early thirties, and even though she was proud of being an “early adopter”, she really didn’t see what all the fuss was about, thinking that it was more of a social spot for teens than a hangout for old friends and lovers, and had put off signing up for some time.
Eventually, however, she conceded to the relentless demands of her over-enthusiastic sister, and before she knew it, she had her own profile and was signing up to interest groups and hunting down old friends.
She joined the group for her high school, wondered for a moment whether Alex had perhaps signed up, searched for a few minutes, found nothing, and moved on.
She didn’t think for one second that he’d been searching for her for all this time until one day, out of the blue, she read his message in her Inbox.
It was a message she had been waiting half her life for.
It began with the words, “Were we once?…”
Her heart was pounding in her chest. Her pulse was racing, her inner tide was rising, and she wasn’t sure whether she should swim for shore or let it take her out to sea. Her fingers trembled above the keyboard. She held her breath as she clicked through to his profile.
And there he was. Her boy. Her childhood sweetheart. How had she missed him when she searched for him before? Oh, it was his middle name, she realised; he had used his full name on his profile.
Alex Rhys Winterton
She took his name in, one word at a time.
She scoured his profile for clues about his life. Was he married? Did he have children? Where in the world had he ended up?
She went back to his message.
Reply. Click.
She started typing…
29 July, 9:45 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, of course, I remember you! It feels so surreal typing to you right now after all these years.
Yes, I am married, as I see you are, too. I’ve been married to Gareth for twelve years now, and we share two children, both boys. Ross is six years old, and Kyle is eleven.
It really is amazing reconnecting with you again. I’ve often wondered how you are and what you have been up to. I would love to hear more about your life since we left off, so please write back soon.
She closed her eyes and submitted her reply, wondering if and when he would write again.
Every day, she checked her inbox, but each one yielded the same result: nothing.
Hours became days, days drifted into weeks, and then, one day, there was a message…
11 August, 22:52 pm
Alex Winterton
Hi Claudia,
I am so glad to have made contact with you! It has been far too many years, and so many memories have come rushing back to me.
As for the wondering, I’ve pretty much done the same over the years.
I am married – correct – to Christine, and have been now for nearly six years. No children of our own yet – we are just focusing on our various businesses and passions.
And you? I assume life treats you well and that you have all the things you have desired for yourself?
I am really looking forward to hearing more from you.
A temporary cheers for now…
Claudia’s excitement at her reconnection with Alex was palpably absurd, but at the same time, it felt so damn right. She found herself questioning her life and her happiness while Alex consumed more and more of her thoughts.
Since her relationship with Denise, Claudia had promised Gareth that she would never keep anything from him again or allow anything to threaten their marriage. She had been working hard to put the pieces back together again, but she often felt that all she had been left with was shards and splinters of a life that was trapped in a perfect storm.
And now there was Alex.
She felt responsible for the breakdown in her marriage, and Gareth continued to remind her of her innocent infidelity.
How she wished she could find that same love that she had experienced with Denise with her husband. But his scathing tongue continued to push her further away from him, and Claudia started to feel herself being pulled into the swell of the possibility of a rekindled love from nearly two decades before.
Claudia had to force herself from digressing into an unrealistic world of fantasy and romance and deposit herself back on the shore of her life.
But there was someone awaiting a reply from her. There was a lifetime of catching up to do. There was so much that she wanted to say. So much that she needed to say.
12 August, 7:47 am
Claudia Stevenson
I am really thrilled to have reconnected with you again, Alex.
So, where did you and Christine meet up? Anyone I know?
Gareth and I met when I was nineteen. I was going through a rough time at home, and I ended up leaving and moving in with him a few months later. We tied the proverbial knot after four years, and Kyle was born a year later.
I started my own business shortly after that, and Ross was born two years later. Looking back, although it was hectic at the time – building a business and starting a family – it has been so worth the sacrifice. You obviously know what I mean, running your own businesses too. Now, I’m just trying to get more balance in my life.
We bought a holiday house out at a dam in the countryside two years ago (just after my mom passed away – not sure if I ever told you about her and her illness), when I realised life was too short to spend working twenty-four seven. We then decided that this was the lifestyle we wanted permanently, so we put our house on the market, and we’re going to be building our dream home in the same estate just as soon as our house sells. I’m visualising starting our new life, and I am sure it will happen before the end of this year.
Do I have all the things I desire for myself? Well, not just yet. Getting there slowly, I guess, one step at a time! And you?
I still can’t believe that I am typing to you. You won’t believe how many times I’ve thought about you over the years. It’s such a pity we lost touch!
Remember all the fun we had together? Remember our first date at the ice rink where you had to hold me up the whole way around? I’ll never forget that night at your place when your mom walked in on us; even though we were fully clothed and behaving ourselves as much as two teenagers under their parents’ roof could, I nearly died of embarrassment!
By the way, how are your parents?
I cannot wait to hear from you. Please don’t keep me waiting so long this time.
Claudia sat at her desk and smiled to herself. He sounded so different. So mature. In a strange way, their individual commitments to other people and the distance afforded by this digital interface offered a measure of safety where each could explore the other’s world without any fear of trespassing into forbidden territory.
The following morning, Claudia found a new message waiting for her from Alex in her inbox.
12 August, 23:43 pm
Alex Winterton
Hi again,
The memories are coming back to me hard and fast. I pretty much remember all our dates. Speaking of which, do you know how difficult it was for me to ask you out on a date the first time?
I remember the walks we used to take from my place to the mall down the road; the ice-skating (or attempts there at) grin…
My ice-skating skills have deteriorated over the years, especially at the thought of landing face-first – or on my butt.
As for getting caught by my mom, I don’t think I could ever forget… but then again, you and I had a particular knack for getting caught. If you don’t remember the two other occasions, let me remind you: One was at our favourite place: the rooftop of the mall – by a security guard (oh, how I know you must be blushing by now), and the other was at a party in the bathroom with the lights off almost having the door banged down by somebody on the other side (at this stage you should be red in the face – grin.)
I remember our recess breaks at school, where we sat and chatted, and I was always too shy to eat my lunch in your presence. I remember our favourite meeting spot, where you always waited for me on the walkway. I remember how my heart would skip a bit every time I saw you standing there.
I must apologise for taking so long to reply to you the first time. I don’t go on to Facebook very often – however, that has changed – I have a real reason to log on now.
I’m really sorry to hear about your mom. What was wrong with her? You never spoke about her.
My parents separated many years ago, and my dad and I, well, we don’t talk. In fact, I haven’t seen him since the day I came out of the army fifteen years ago. We had a terrible fallout – a rather sad one that.
Did you meet Gareth while you were studying at university?
Christine and I met at a New Year’s function in 1998. It was through mutual friends. We have been together ever since, and I proposed to her in Tel Aviv on my birthday six years ago.
Your new home and your new life sound really awesome. Keep up with the visualising; it is the only way to succeed in life and achieve what you really want.
As for desires, well, I guess that’s what keeps driving us, hey? I think I, too, am slowly getting there. I have a lot of ambitious goals at the moment. It could be an age thing, but I am looking for quality in everything I do of late.
So, how is all of that for a catch-up? And I didn’t even keep you holding on for it. There’s a lot more that I would love to hear from you.
Okay, so tag, you’re it! I cannot wait.
Claudia was surprised at how much Alex remembered. All this time, she had never realised that she had been as important in his life as he had been in hers. When they broke up, Alex had walked away and continued with his life as if there had never been anything between them, and even though it had been Claudia who initiated the breakup, she was the one who was left with the broken heart.
Reading Alex’s words left her with a lump in her throat and a longing to hear more of his memories. Memories that, to Claudia, were a reassurance that not all had been lost.
Gareth was oblivious to the shift in Claudia’s world, and Claudia’s heart ached, knowing that she was once again treading on forbidden ground. She had wandered too far down this path, and she was being drawn into the light like a moth to a flame. She could not turn herself around and walk back to where she had started out.
13 August, 21:05 pm
Claudia Stevenson
Wow, what memories… Going red with embarrassment, let’s try crimson!
There was so much chemistry between the two of us, Alex. I have always said that one of my big regrets with you was that things never went further between us – if you know what I mean. I just had some stupid issues that I was dealing with at the time.
Wow, I’ve waited a long time to tell you that!
Even though it’s seventeen years later, Alex, I have never forgotten you. You were a very special part of my life, my soul mate, and it took me a very, very long time to get over you.
I’ll always remember that last Christmas party at the clothing store where we worked together over the weekends. We were all dancing (you were dating someone else then – I think you were engaged to her, actually), and the song “Sacrifice” by Elton John came on, and one of our workmates pushed you and me together on the dance floor. We both felt so awkward, but you put your arms around me and pulled me close to you, and we danced to the rhythm of the music. I felt electrified as your skin touched mine, and I felt your soft breath on my forehead. It was the saddest dance of my life.
When the song ended, we both looked into each other’s eyes, not wanting to separate our grasp, but then we did, you turned and walked away and didn’t look back. I felt as if I’d sacrificed my soul to the devil – I wanted you back so much. So, needless to say, every time I hear that song, I think of that dance, and you, and everything we lost.
I don’t think I ever told you about my mom. She died of Huntington’s Disease, a genetic disease that she inherited from her mother. It slowly destroys the person’s mind and body, eating away at it until there is nothing left.
I lost touch with her for many years and then discovered her living in a hellhole in a dingy part of town, being beaten daily by a man she’d befriended. He sold all her precious possessions – her books, her furniture, everything he could lay his hands on, to buy booze and feed his drug addiction.
She was living off the kindness of the Salvation Army, who brought food to her every day, and he sold that too.
I eventually called the social workers in, and she was committed to a mental asylum, later moving to a sanatorium where she lived out her days in their Frail Care section. There wasn’t really anything that anybody could do for her other than make her comfortable. She was there for about four years before she died.
I visited her shortly before she passed away, and she was lying in a child’s cot, a shrivelled-up remnant of a once beautiful woman, shouting and screaming at people who weren’t even there. She was trapped in schizophrenia, and her lucid moments were few and far between. It was terribly sad.
Yes, I remember your dad. I always liked him. I’m so sorry you had a fallout. What happened? And how is your mom? You didn’t mention her?
My dad and I didn’t speak for about four years after I left home. I got myself a part-time job and moved in with Gareth. I only started speaking to my parents when Kyle was born; it was quite weird how he brought us all together.
I think it’s time for me to sign off now. Gareth is going to start wondering why I’m still in the office, and the last thing I need is for him to find out I am pouring out my life story to the long-lost love of my life! So, I will carry on tomorrow, promise!
Claudia logged out of Facebook, looked out at the night sky, and sighed. Had she said too much? She listened and watched as an ambulance siren punctuated the quiet night air and moved quickly up the road. Red blue. Red blue. Red blue.
She locked her office door and tiptoed into the house. Gareth was snoring softly in bed, and she carefully slipped in beside him. She closed her eyes and placed her hand over her heart. Alex. How could something that was so wrong feel so right?
The following morning, Claudia woke early and went through to her office, hoping that Alex had replied. Her heart skipped a beat when she found his unread message waiting for her.
13 August, 22:45 pm
Alex Winterton
No ways! There is absolutely no way that I was expecting you to reply tonight! Not only did you reply, but you quickly whipped up an intense response!
On the deep comments regarding you and me, I also felt the same and wondered “what if” many times, both during our time together as well as afterwards. Remember, nothing is ever too late. The Universe has a perfect sense of timing – always.
I think with us, we both had our hearts broken in different ways, but chatting to you now and fast-forwarding through the years has made it all so worthwhile and intriguingly interesting. I am really looking forward to catching up with you over time.
As for getting caught, I reckon there’s a section in the Guinness Book of Records that we could enter and quite comfortably win.
Reading about your mom is so very sad. Have you allowed it to rest, or does this still sit heavily with you? It sounds like you really did do the best you could under all the circumstances and, in a little way, made the last years a bit more bearable for her.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a great relationship with my mother. She has an exceptionally bad drinking problem, and the whole thing drives me crazy. I have tried talking to her, but I know that it is always the alcohol talking back. I know I am going to have to deal with this – and her – before it’s too late, but it is a really big challenge for me.
Just a thought – it’s so weird how we haven’t spoken in years, and here we are both pouring our hearts out to one another and chatting like good old friends.
Until the morning then and the next time I hear from you, keep safe and sleep tight…
“Remember, nothing is ever too late…”
Claudia read the words over and over again, wondering what Alex had meant. Her mind was in a whirl.
14 August, 6:14 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, I totally agree with you about divine timing. Perhaps back then, the timing was just not right.
In terms of not having taken things further between us back then, I feel that I must clarify something with you: I slept with a guy I barely knew when I was in high school – long before you and I met and for totally stupid reasons. I think a lot of it stemmed from being insecure and looking for attention and affection in the wrong places. After I realised what I’d done, I made a promise to myself that the next person I took that step with would be the person I married, and I stuck to my guns on that one. It’s a pity, though, in retrospect, we had some serious chemistry, and there probably would have been a lot of fireworks.
Perhaps in another lifetime, methinks.
Regarding my mom, yes, I have put it all to rest. She suffered for so many years, and her passing away was a relief, as much for me as it was for her. I do, however, have many regrets about the way she died, always wishing that I’d been closer to her at the time and that I’d been more of a daughter to her while I was growing up instead of being embarrassed about her and her disease. Unfortunately, I was only told about the Huntington’s Disease by my dad when I phoned to tell him I was pregnant with Kyle, and he felt that I needed to know then because it was hereditary. It was very traumatic to suddenly have to undergo an amniocentesis, knowing that I might have to make a decision to terminate the pregnancy if Kyle had the gene. Fortunately, he was fine. I was tested for the disease after he was born, and I had not inherited the gene either.
I do miss having a mother around, though, and I never found that closeness with my stepmother, but that’s all part of the big picture. Had I not been through what I went through and not had her as my mother, I would be in a very different place today.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! Was she drinking while you and I were together? I always thought there was something strange about her, but I never thought it was that. I completely understand where you are at. Gareth’s dad is also an alcoholic, and it causes huge family stress. He doesn’t realise how much his personality changes when he drinks and how he upsets everyone. I am always threatening to get a video camera out and film him in action so that he can see how much damage he does when he drinks.
I really feel for you. It’s not a nice place to be. It’s different when it’s a friend – you can just cut them out of your life, but not when it’s a parent.
My best friend’s father died about eight years ago – he was also an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver. Not only was he a chronic alcoholic, but he was also a hobo. He lived on the street and ate from the hands of kind strangers. It was terrible.
You asked where Gareth and I met. We actually met at a New Year’s party at a friend’s house, but he was engaged to somebody else at the time. He broke his engagement off three months later, and we began dating. He was with me through all my troubles at home and helped me through so much that I would never have handled on my own. One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, we were moving in together and planning a wedding a few years later.
He’s a good person.
I was just re-reading your last message and thought how funny it is that we were both feeling the same about each other, yet neither of us did anything about it. It was as if there was never any closure between us. As I’ve said before, there was always something about us that kept you in a very special place in my heart. And just the fact that we can reconnect like this and just talk and talk and talk is quite incredible. Gareth would probably kill me if he knew, as he is the insanely jealous type.
I cannot wait to hear from you again.
Claudia thought about that other life she had referred to. Connecting with Alex on such a deep level was stirring up confusing thoughts and emotions in her heart. She knew that in a few hours, she would be receiving a new message from him, and she tossed and turned in bed that night, praying for the morning light to stream in through her bedroom window.
August 15th, 23:02 pm
Alex Winterton
Claudia, I must tell you that my focus has completely flown out of the window. I had a totally crazy day, in and out of meetings non-stop, and all I could think about was you and getting back to catching up. I was never this hooked on Facebook until now. It’s like a drug, but it’s the fix of you that I’m continually after.
I still cannot believe that we are actually chatting; it’s really as if the years never happened. It feels like a very short time when, in fact, it’s close to twenty years.
Occasionally, I have to pinch myself to check that I’m awake.
I still remember that last day when you told me you were breaking up with me. We walked from my place to the mall in silence, and your dad was there to fetch you. You drove off, and I just sat there for ages, not knowing what to think.
Claudia, you are somebody that I have never been able to forget. We had many special moments, both in the physical (even with getting caught) and in what I now see as the spiritual. Seventeen years later, there is still a deep connection between us. This is really deep for me, but I feel the energy of what I’m saying flowing through me right now as I type.
Thank you for your honesty and everything you have shared with me, both in the past and in the present.
As for sticking to the promise you made yourself, I am glad you did. As much as the mind and heart wonder about what things might have been like, I know for sure that fireworks would have only been the beginning.
Alex now sits and ponders that thought for some time…
It really sounds as if you and Gareth have a special relationship. His jealousy is probably only because he cares for and treasures the beautiful person he has in his life.
I would never want this renewed connection with us to come between the two of you in any way whatsoever. I hope I am clear on that. And if it ever potentially does, please let me know right away. I mean this, okay?
At this point, I am going to once again submit to my tiredness. There is so much that I want to respond to, and I promise to do so. There is also so much more that I want to hear. Until then, sleep tight.
Claudia’s heart was thumping in her throat as she read and re-read Alex’s words. He had never forgotten her, just as she had never forgotten him.
And as much as she tried to push the thought out of her mind, this was more than just a friendship that had resurfaced.
August 15th, 7:38 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, reading your words makes me wish you were right here and that I could just give you a long overdue hug. I really wish we’d been able to communicate more like this way back when we were seventeen.
I felt so sad reading about the time my dad fetched me from the mall, and you just sat there wondering why we had broken up. I remember that day, too. Part of me was devastated, but the other half longed to make things work.
I hope you don’t mind me re-hashing all of this, but I really feel that so much has been left unsaid, and I’ve carried this with me for so many years.
When you sent me that first Facebook message asking me if I remembered you, I remember thinking to myself, how could I have forgotten you?
All these feelings are making me quite emotional. I’m just so amazed that what I thought was a one-sided connection for all these years has turned out to be a deeply two-sided one.
I shudder to think what would happen now if we had to bump into each other.
Thanks for everything you said about Gareth. Sometimes, the jealousy is totally overwhelming, and it is a huge stumbling block in our relationship. Even though I care for him deeply, I always think that jealousy stems from mistrust. Because of this, I feel that I cannot always tell him everything that is going on in my world because he might read into it the wrong way.
I don’t think that Gareth would know how to deal with the knowledge that you and I have reconnected. He knows that you were a huge and special part of my life, and because of that, I think it would be safer to keep this information away from him for the time being.
Does Christine know that you and I are writing to each other?
I hope that there is no way that somebody could get their hands on these messages and blackmail us!
Gareth had no idea that anything was going on. He was so wrapped up in his own life and his own problems that he could not see beyond that. In the meantime, Claudia kept her distance and spent her hours trying desperately not to drift off into a fantasy world where it was just her and Alex, and everything was perfect.
August 16th, 12:35 am
Alex Winterton
My dearest Claudia,
Please feel free to hug as much as you would like to. For now, I will accept a virtual hug and return a massive one right back in your direction.
As for having been able to communicate like this while we were at school, I guess it is that whole cosmic timing element once again. I think that as one gets older (or, let’s say, more mature), we get more in touch with who we are as a person and a spiritual being. I also think that inner truth comes more easily, and we also realise just how short life actually is. I, too, wish we had been more connected back then.
I always knew you were emotional, but I guess I probably missed the extent of it. Some of the things you have told me have made me look back in deep contemplation in an attempt to place it all in context.
Claudia, I am truly glad that you feel I am here for you emotionally in the present. It means so much to me, and in a way, it almost seems to make up for the past. I thank you for that, truly. If only you could feel the deep, intense feelings rushing through my body right now.
Please don’t make the mistake or jump to the misconception, even for just one second, that I would not want to be sharing these special moments of our history with you. Our time together was really special for me, and being able to relive it like this is totally amazing and energising for my soul. I look forward to you sharing as much as you can and are able to.
I couldn’t believe it when I found you on Facebook, but I honestly wondered if you would remember me. “Were we once?“ was a bit of a cheesy heading for my introduction after seventeen years, but I guess it worked in terms of catching your attention.
I don’t know about bumping into each other in this late stage of the game. If we were to meet now, I guess it would be due to a well-orchestrated arrangement. If we had bumped into each other before this reconnection, something says to me that we would have both been rather polite with one another, said the usual pleasantries, and then been on our way thinking, “Why didn’t I take his (or her) number?” and “I wonder if I’ll ever see him (or her) again?”.
So, come to think of it, the way things have panned out between us has made everything rather interesting and intriguing.
Your feelings have most definitely not been one-sided at all. As I have said a few times, I have often wondered about you.
As for the jealousy thing, I know what you are saying there. I, too – funnily enough – am not the jealous type and with Christine, it has created some challenges. There have been many times where she has accused me of not caring at all. The truth is, I am a rather trusting person, and I don’t believe that you can stop someone from doing something by being jealous.
As for Christine knowing about us, no, she doesn’t, and I don’t believe she would handle this well at all.
So, I guess you and I are in the same boat here.
There is something that I have been debating in terms of whether or not I should mention it, but I feel I need to. When I found you on Facebook, the first place I looked was at the pictures of you. The truth is that, unlike me, you have changed: you’ve gotten way more beautiful! I will admit to sitting and staring at your photos for quite some time…
It is now 00h31 as I finish this, and I will have to be up in three and a half hours. I also know that you should be coming through in about four and a half hours to check in on me and my reply.
I hope you are resting peacefully. It is almost the weekend, and I will have plenty of time to catch up with you then as well.
A brief goodbye until our next encounter…
The following morning, Claudia awoke, excited to read the magical lines that she knew had been left for her the night before.
As she read Alex’s words, she felt both exhilarated and guilty. Claudia felt as if she was on a runaway train. The feelings and emotions were pouring out of her heart and her soul, and she felt in no way compelled to hold them back.
It was as if a web of magic had weaved its way into her life, and as much as she knew it was wrong, she smiled and submitted to its enchantment.
August 16th, 8:18 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, if it’s any consolation, I couldn’t get you out of my head yesterday. I tossed and turned the whole night, going over our time together and all the things you’ve said to me in the past couple of days and couldn’t help thinking, “What if?”
You and I are similar in so many ways. I always knew there was a deep connection, even back then, but it seems as if we both needed to mature to be able to reconnect on the level we have now.
Alex (big breath as I say this), if you and I were not married, I can guarantee you that I would be sitting with you telling you all of this in person rather than typing it out. And I’m pretty sure you feel the same way. Just as you said in one of your letters, this is deep stuff, and I, too, can feel the energy of what I’m saying coursing through my veins as I type.
I just cannot believe that this is happening. So many years, so many feelings, so many things that should have been said and weren’t, so many tears, and look at us now. I simply cannot get over this, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with all of my feelings right now.
I went back to the house before I started writing to you here, and I took my diary out of the cupboard again. I found so many pages in between the pages that I had not filled in, where I had just written and written about you. I had even stuck extra pages in to write on!
I was so in love with you then, Alex.
It is so funny how we have both got caught up in this conversation. It’s amazing how we both feel this amazing energy between us.
I have been back to your photos on your Facebook page many times. It’s good to see that you’ve looked after yourself and that you haven’t turned out to be a beer-bellied thirty-four-year-old.
You are so right about the jealousy thing: being jealous only complicates things and invites mistrust into a relationship. If two people can be completely open and honest with each other, there should be no reason for jealousy. I sometimes wonder if it’s also not a bit of possessiveness. What Christine says about you not seeming to care is what I hear all the time from Gareth. I am always honest with him and tell him that I do care, very much, in fact, but that it’s very difficult to open my heart to him about my deepest feelings when he is going to be judgemental. I hate to say it, but I think that Gareth has become very insecure, both in and outside of our relationship. He uses money to buy things for himself to make him feel worthy on a material level, and he uses his harsh tongue to bring me down, and in a sad way, it probably gives him a sense of power and control over me.
Do you and Christine have a good relationship? I know I probably shouldn’t be asking these things, but it’s like I finally have the opportunity to get to know you really deeply again, and I want to know everything.
I have also been thinking that perhaps it is better that we keep things like this – virtual – there is way too much chemistry in the mix right now.
It is wonderful that you have developed a passion for writing. I’m an obsessive writer and can also express myself much better in writing than in person. I still want to write my own book one day. I am sure that there are many people out there, like us, who have reconnected and have the most incredible stories to tell. I have been thinking about writing a book called “The Facebook Diaries” and asking people to send me their stories. What do you think?
I cannot wait to hear from you again.
Just a few more hours, Claudia thought. Just a few more hours and Alex would be writing back to her again.
She felt giddy, as if she was standing on the edge of her life, arms outstretched, ready to fall forwards and let the wind catch her and swirl her up and around and float her gently down to earth and into Alex’s arms.
August 17th, 9:23 am
Alex Winterton
Dearest Claudia, you are so dominating more and more of my thoughts and all in a damn beautiful way, especially while I drive. My mind normally runs off in all directions, but lately, I find myself thinking only of you.
There is so much I wish to tell you, as you already know, but I will get there.
Yes, the energy and blood racing through your veins. I know exactly what you mean because it is happening to me right now.
As for the feelings and the things that were left unsaid between us, I completely agree with the way you are feeling. I, however, look at it this way: You can either get stuck in the past and live in regret and miss out on the present, or you can learn from the past and totally live in the present each and every day and suck out the juice of each moment. This is my personal plan, and it’s something I believe more of us need to do.
Take us, for example. I love this discussion we are sharing. It’s so amazing, and sharing everything we have done and haven’t done is wonderful. I do, however, sense that the “what ifs” pain you deeply, and I cannot allow that to happen to you.
I also wonder “what if” many times, but I know the reality is that no one (no matter who they are) can change the past. And besides that, the past happened for a reason. We were very different people back then. As you rightfully say, we were on different pages of life’s book. I don’t want there to be any pain for you, only joy. It is important that we focus on the great times we shared as that will only stand as a foundation to build on what you and I have once again found with each other.
Claudia, I know you loved me, as I truly loved you, but I honestly never got the sense of your love the way you portray it now. And for that, I guess I am truly sad.
There is so much that I still need to tell you, but I will have to leave you with this brief instalment for now until I write to you again.
With each reply, Claudia felt as if she was getting closer and closer to a new tipping point in her life.
She was trapped in a marriage that was destroying her, and she did not know how to break free from it. She felt so responsible for Gareth’s happiness and could not bear to destroy his fragile state of mind. If anything, she was terrified of the repercussions of walking out of his life, which, in a sad, sadistic way, kept her bound to him and their life together. She had no idea of what this tipping point would bring. She knew that she was naïve to even think that she could ever be with Alex. He was married, too. It would take a miracle for them to be together.
The sadness crept into her heart, her soul aching for an answer.
August 17th, 11:12 am
Claudia Stevenson
Dearest Alex,
You are so right; the “what ifs” are very painful for me, especially knowing that there is still so much of life left to live, and I am now finding myself questioning my own happiness and wondering what choices I may have to make in the future. But I’ve decided that for now, I am going to, as you so rightly say, suck the juice out of this very special moment in my life.
The truth is, Alex, you were honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me, and for me, that is the hardest thing to deal with right now. Every other relationship I had after you, I would compare to our relationship, but none ever quite matched up to our good times and the intense feelings I had for you. You’ve always been in my heart for as long as I can remember, and I always thought to myself that if I were ever single one day, I would look you up, even if I was ninety years old with a Zimmer frame and false teeth!
I certainly didn’t expect us to be writing to each other like this right now, each with another person, with our own lives, yet feeling as if all we want to be is together. So I guess that that really sucks a lot!
Gareth came into my life when I was in crisis mode. He’s an amazing person, and I do love him deeply, but we are very different people from who we were when we met over a decade ago. Back then, we were both on the same level with the same ambitions and desires, but twelve years down the line, we are on completely different paths. I am more spiritual and grounded; he is more earthly and steeped in the past. I look on the bright side of life, while he tends to dwell on the negative. I offer a listening ear and advice where necessary, whereas he tends to be critical and judgemental. Things aren’t the way they used to be, and it really makes me sad. I know that if things were perfect between Gareth and me, I would not have even contemplated having any kind of conversation with you at this stage in my life, never mind all the things I’ve said.
So when I talk about my own happiness, I look at things as they are right now and ask myself whether this is where I want to be in the next ten years. It’s not as if Gareth and I haven’t spoken about this; we talk about it almost every weekend – it’s our only real time together. He knows how I long for more in a relationship, and he does try to meet my high standards, but at the end of the day, we are all who we are, and it’s difficult to change yourself to please someone else.
I believe that if I just take one day at a time, everything will work out the way it should in the greater scheme of things…
I am sure that a time will come when we have caught up with each other completely, but then there will be the fun part of keeping up with the present and the future, so I cannot wait!
Later that afternoon, when her work day was done, Claudia busied herself by packing for a weekend away at their holiday home out in the country. Gareth whistled as he loaded one of the boy’s quad bikes into the back of his truck, and she heard Kyle chattering away to his dad about all the fun they were going to have together over the weekend. Her precious boys. Claudia thought about Alex and her life with Gareth and her feelings for this man who had suddenly reappeared in her life. How was she going to spend a whole weekend with her husband and not let anything slip?
Change does not whisper. It is not kind or mindful, nor is it respectful. Change is bold and brazen, like a bully, inviting itself in unannounced, and like a tsunami, it takes out everything in its path.
August 18th , 15:54 pm
Alex Winterton
Hey, girl!
One thing I need to really tell you before I continue is that I think your idea of writing a book called The Facebook Diaries is an amazing one. I cannot imagine how many other people have, like us, experienced the magic of a reconnection. Publishing their stories (even if they choose to remain anonymous) would be so exciting, and our story could be threaded in between.
But, back to the present.
I am glad I was spot on with what you were feeling and thinking, although it upsets me to think for even one second that you believe you had gone overboard in terms of your reply – because you didn’t.
As for us and where this is all going, I am not sure, but I really love the way we are interacting at the moment, not to mention the depth and intensity of all the things we are sharing.
There is, however, something that is worrying me, and it unsettles me. Here goes:
I really hear the things you are telling me about you and Gareth, and I completely understand where you are coming from.
I am about to share something with you that might complicate things even more, but I don’t want to in any way come between what both of you have built up over the last twelve years.
I couldn’t live with myself or accept that.
Claudia, I am being completely honest with you right now as I type this. I can feel the blood rushing around my body and my internal temperature rise because it shakes me to my soul.
You asked me about myself and Christine. Well, the truth is that we have sadly come to the end of our journey together. It pains me, even as I type this to you, but it is something that I need to – and almost have – come to terms with. I love her very much and she is the only woman I have been with for as long as I have, but this is where we have both found ourselves. After knowing each other for close to nine years, and having the most amazing Native American wedding to bond us spiritually, I now dread the day we will be no more. We have spoken many times about where we are at and if we can retain what we have, and the only thing we feel that is left is an intense friendship. And it is that for which we are prepared to settle.
Because of this, the next while is going to be very emotional for me. There are so many areas of my life that are strong and successful, but this one is an area of weakness.
I have told nobody about this, and you are, therefore, the first person, outside of Christine and I, to know this. I am trying to be strong, and I am continually working on my strength. I honestly believe that this will be a good time of growth for me, and I have started preparing myself mentally and emotionally for it.
So once again, although I have shared this very deep secret with you, it is really important to me that you don’t let any of this cloud your judgment. And knowing where you are (only because the discussions that you and Gareth have had sound very similar to the ones that Christine and I have had), I would urge you to sit him down and really get him to understand your feelings and what you really need, both as a soul and as a woman. Don’t think of giving up too easily. Promise me that? I know what I am talking about. You need to fight hard for the things you believe in, and I believe if you want something badly enough, you can have it.
Besides, I am more than happy to wait until you are ninety years old. I haven’t ever really had much of an issue with false teeth; I actually find the whole thing quite sexy, in a we-can-share-each-other’s-teeth kind of way. Besides, by then, there should be some really cool technology around that would make the whole thing very interesting for people that age.
Jokes aside, I mean what I am saying to you – I honestly do.
Claudia sat rooted to her chair, staring at her laptop screen in utter disbelief. Gareth was playing tennis with a friend, and the boys were in the room next door playing PlayStation. She read and reread Alex’s words. Suddenly, everything had changed. Where an opportunity once before seemed too out of reach to grab on to, it had now moved forward like a knight on a chessboard, leaping over obstacles and taking out everything in its path.
Her world was shifting on its axis, and she was powerless to stop it.
Her mind was in a whirl, and she had to hold on to the edge of the table she was sitting at to steady herself. She felt dizzy. Elated. Terrified.
Could this be her chance to escape from her reality for real?
Claudia knew that Gareth was going to be returning soon, but she wanted to reply to Alex more than anything.
With trembling hands and one eye watching out of the window for Gareth’s return, Claudia quickly typed a reply to Alex.
August 18th , 18:04 pm
Claudia Stevenson
Alex! My hands are shaking, and my heart is racing. I feel as if I’m about to pass out!
I never thought I was going to hear the things you’ve just said.
I am so grateful that you have shared such intimate details of your life with me. I wish that I was at the point that you are at with Christine. In a strange way, I actually envy you.
This is just totally incredible. I never in my wildest dreams thought a day like this would ever come. It feels as if the Universe has opened up a path for us to be together.
Claudia heard the rumble of a car’s engine in the driveway and looked up. It was Gareth. Claudia was still shaking. She quickly closed her laptop, looked up at him, and smiled weakly as he walked in through the door carrying a few bags of shopping.
“I’ve invited Grace and Charlie over for dinner tonight,” he said. “I’m going to make a fire for a barbeque.”
Grace and Claudia had been close friends for many years, and Grace had often been a first-hand witness to Claudia and Gareth’s tumultuous marriage. She was the first person that Claudia had called when she had received the “Were we once?” message. She had no idea how deep the relationship had progressed since that day.
As Claudia busied herself by preparing a salad for the evening’s meal, Grace breezed in through the front door carrying a bottle of wine.
“Hey you,” she said, smiling while she uncorked the bottle of wine. “Why the serious face?”
Claudia took a long sip and breathed in deeply.
“Shit, my friend, you have no idea what kind of trouble I’ve got myself into.”
“Do you still love Gareth?” Grace asked reflectively after she had listened, wide-eyed, to everything Claudia had revealed. “I mean, if you are still in love with him, it’s one thing, but if you’re not, and you want to get out, then that changes everything.”
Claudia excused herself from the barbeque later that evening, taking her laptop with her into the bathroom, hoping for something, anything, from Alex. And sure enough, there it was…
August 18th, 20:51 pm
Alex Winterton
Claudia, I need to clear something up: There is nothing to envy about where Christine and I are at. It is extremely painful and difficult for both of us, and we are trying so hard to work things out. And once again, just because of where I am, I don’t want it to affect you and Gareth or for me to come between the two of you. Please understand that.
I look forward to your replies later when you have a chance. Please be sure not to cause any unnecessary suspicion, as this wouldn’t be good for either of us right now.
Claudia felt the blood rush to her cheeks as she cringed internally. She had let go of her emotions and had come on too strong. In her heart, she knew that there was every possibility that she had sent Alex running for the hills.
She had to let him know that she was sorry, that there was still the present to deal with, and that was emotionally upsetting enough without a long-lost girlfriend professing her undying love…
August 18th, 21:14 pm
Claudia Stevenson
Oh, Alex, I’m sure you must think that I am callous and unfeeling, which is not the case.
Let me start again.
When I say that I envy your situation, it’s not because I want to be there right now. I envy you because you and Christine have both been mature enough to realise that your relationship is not going anywhere. You have worked hard and put so many years into your marriage, but it takes a strong person to accept that things aren’t working.
In my case, it’s different. I am nowhere near as happy in my marriage as I want to be, and I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life wishing that I had walked away from the relationship sooner. Gareth and I have tried hard to work things out, but what I keep realising is that if your heart is not in something, it’s never going to work. The situation I find myself in right now is also extremely painful, and I can empathise with what you’re going through with Christine. It’s not that easy to walk away from, in your case, six years of marriage.
In my situation, Gareth seems to think that things will ultimately work out between us. To be honest, it is such a horrible situation – I no longer love him the way I used to. From my side, it is more platonic, yet he practically worships the ground I walk on. I need space to grow, whereas he smothers me. I hope you don’t think I’m sounding arrogant because I’m not – it’s just the way it is. Truthfully, he deserves more than what I am able to offer. I just wish he’d see that. He’s forever telling me how so-and-so does this and how so-and-so does that, and why am I not like that, and why can’t I just change and be the person he wants me to be – the person I was sixteen years ago. I keep telling him that I am not the same person he met all those years ago: insecure with very little self-confidence, confused and alone. I have grown up, and I’m a completely different person.
Please don’t think that you are possibly coming between Gareth and me. That is not the case at all. Things have been messy for over two years now. We struggle to see eye to eye with most things, and sometimes, I think we’re only together because of the common bond we share, our children.
Whatever path our circumstances are leading us on is exactly where we need to be right now. I must admit that having you appear out of the woodwork, reading your messages, loving the person you’ve become, and reminiscing over our past together, makes me very happy and excited at the possibility of our new found connection.
And as I’ve said before, had my marriage been solid, I would never have said the things to you that I’ve said. Please understand me when I say this.
I know that your heart must be aching and torn between sticking it out or going it alone. I know that that is something I, too, will have to deal with one day soon, and it scares the hell out of me. When you build your life with someone and share so much with them, it’s not that easy to just give it all up, even more so when there are children involved.
My boys love their father dearly, and he spoils them rotten. It breaks my heart to think of the day that I might have to tell them that our family structure is going to be changing. I am trying to be a little bit selfish and not worry about everyone else’s feelings, but it is incredibly hard, and I know it is going to take me a long time to come to terms with whatever decision I decide to make.
So, just so that you know, I am here for you, more than you know, and I will be travelling along this new path in your life and lifting you up whenever you need me to.
Claudia clicked on the send button, closed her laptop and quietly opened the bathroom door. She watched Ross’s chest slowly rising and falling as he slept peacefully in front of the television. She covered him with a blanket and walked back outside to join her husband and her friends.
The tsunami had left as quickly as it had entered. Claudia could feel the particles in her life separating, and her mind was abuzz with thoughts of what-ifs and what-nows.
It was with peace in her heart and a sense of new found hope that she read Alex’s message to her later that night…
August 18th, 22:32 pm
Alex Winterton
Claudia, let me begin by saying thank you to you for your message and for setting the record straight. It is important to me to know that where you are at has nothing to do with me or what we have found in reconnecting.
When you were telling me how you are not the person you once were (sixteen years before), I found myself thinking about how different and mature you must be now. I mean, you look the same (only way hotter) – okay, I never said that, but you sound so different from how I remember you.
I am so happy to have reconnected with you and to have an opportunity to get to know you in a way I possibly would not have had, had our paths not crossed the way that they did in the past month.
Sometimes, the healing begins when we are able to accept what is and move on. The heart cannot mend until the head is in the right place. Our path to happiness cannot open up until we clear the brambles out of the road.
Claudia could only hope that when she turned the corner, Alex would still be waiting there for her.
In the days that followed, Alex and Claudia’s connection intensified. They were in the centre of a perfect storm, both knowing that at any minute, the walls around them could come crashing down.
Both were aware of the dangerous ground they were treading on, particularly Claudia, who knew that with every word she exchanged with Alex, she was one step closer to the tipping point in her marriage.
Claudia wanted nothing more than to run – to pack her bags, close the front door, get into her car, and drive away from the life that no longer served her, but she knew that could never happen. She was shackled to the contract of an empty, failed marriage, and she knew that Gareth would no sooner kill her than let her go.
Alex was acutely aware of the risk of any deeper contact, be it in the flesh or otherwise. He ached to dial her number, to hear her voice as she answered the telephone, and to simply say, “Guess who?”
In an attempt to ground himself, he started sculpting a work of art in the background, a picture of a time when they would be reunited, free from the shackles of their past, an erotic love thriller of epic proportions.
August 20th, 20:51 pm
Alex Winterton
My darling Claudia, I really struggled to sleep last night – I had thoughts of you running through my head, and I kept tossing and turning. I cannot even begin to explain this tantalising excitement that has flooded my core since you came back into my life.
There is this weird thing going on with Christine of late: I have really been battling with my feelings and have been very conscious of hers, trying to give her the strength she needs (there is a very long story here, and this one I will only tell you in person), but over the past couple of days she has been picking up on my stronger sense of self, and it is making her feel very uneasy. Right now, as I am typing this, I am not sure if I should be telling you this – I feel as if I am betraying her by doing so.
Today, we had a bad exchange. I had to come home early because she had gone into what seemed like a deep depression. We spoke, and there were tears, and then we spoke some more. As I was saying, though, I kept thinking of you. I think it’s all the things we were chatting about, especially all the stuff from Saturday and Sunday; it was truly deep and involved.
I must still mention to you – and I know we have touched on this, and you need not reply, but I just need to get it out there – but it really does pain me that you and Gareth are not one hundred percent in your happy place. It is really sad when couples lose that connection and just can’t make it work beyond a point.
I’ll be hanging around here for the next while, hoping that I might see something from you.
By the way, do you use Skype?
August 20th, 22:07 pm
Claudia Stevenson
Do I use Skype? What I wouldn’t do to hear your voice. I have little electric prickles going through my body just imagining it.
Having said that, though, we would have to be very careful if we took the step to chat in a live environment…
August 20th, 22:19 pm
Alex Winterton
Don’t worry. I wouldn’t phone you online. I think the pressure would be immense, and I wouldn’t put you through that. We can just type to each other.
Send me your details, and I’ll do the rest.
Claudia felt as if she had taken a freefall dive off a cliff. She sent Alex a contact request, and within seconds, Alex’s first real-time message appeared on her screen.
Alex: Hey you!
Claudia: Oh my God, there you are! This feels so surreal.
Alex: Well, my sexy cyber soul mate, this is totally real and happening.Claudia: Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we’d be talking to each other like this.
Alex: Me neither. But I am glad we are.
Claudia: Alex, I really want to say how sorry I am about what happened between you and Christine today. It doesn’t sound good.
Alex: Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s all pretty intense at the moment, but I guess we are both focussed on the end goal, and we can’t allow ourselves to become derailed in the process.
Claudia: Gareth and I have said about ten words to each other tonight. We’re miles away from the end goal!
Alex: Are you sure things can’t improve for you and Gareth?
Claudia: Alex, I don’t know, honestly. I actually don’t know how to even begin to explain. I am caught between a rock and a hard place, literally. I keep thinking that moving out to the countryside will fix everything, but the more I think about it and the dynamics of our marriage, the more I know that it is not the solution. There are deeper issues which neither of us see eye to eye on. The only common goal we share at the moment is selling our house, building our dream house, and our children, and we hardly see eye to eye over them either. It’s just so damn tiring. He wants me to love him, but I can’t. There’s no love left. There’s nothing about him that excites me anymore. It’s so sad to have to say it, but I really believe that he deserves better – someone who is more on his wavelength than I am.
Alex: You know what, this is so weird… your words describe exactly what Christine feels about our marriage.
Claudia: I feel guilty sitting here talking to you (even though I love it so much) because I wish I could be talking to him like this, but it’s like there is this huge brick wall that I’ve built up between him and me.
Alex: I wish things weren’t so complicated. I mean, you feel that you need more from Gareth, and Christine feels she needs more from me. I know in my heart I have tried all I can and then some. How does a person turn things around?
Claudia: I’ve been trying to fix things for years, Alex. I’m not a difficult person, but I cannot tolerate the verbal abuse any longer. I don’t know if it’s possible to turn things around. Even our friends have picked up on Gareth and I. Everyone can see what is going on. Gareth simply won’t accept that he is just as responsible for this mess as I am.
Alex: I know that feeling. The thing that is in my space the most is that we will eventually have so many people to tell – people who have always known us as a couple.
Claudia: Yes, I know, that is going to be difficult. Shit, it’s hectic. I wish I could wave a wand and have this all behind me. Right now, I’m worried about how this is going to impact everybody’s lives. It is so damn scary.
Alex: Okay, guess what? I refuse to allow either of us to go off to bed on this extremely solemn note, so let’s both close our eyes and send each other a virtual hug.
Claudia: You’ll have to give me a second to mop up the tears.
Alex: No, now come on, my sexy cyber soul mate, I can’t have you being upset. Now, close your eyes.
Claudia: Eyes are closed.
Alex: Imagine me kissing you on each of your eyelids. Feel my love for you right now.
Claudia: That’s beautiful, Alex. Thank you.
Alex: You’re so welcome.
Alex: PS… I sifted through your photos on Facebook tonight.
Claudia: Oh yes? And?
Alex: It was such fun, actually. You have really beautiful boys.
Claudia: Thank you, Alex. You are one gorgeous human being, do you know that?
Alex: Thank you! You’re pretty special yourself.
Claudia: I wish you could see the smile on my face right now.
Alex: I can feel it.
Alex: Okay, don’t make me beat you. Off to bed with you!
Claudia: Okay then, sweet dreams, you sweet person.
Alex: Night, night
Claudia locked the door to her office and walked upstairs. She knelt down beside Ross and Kyle as they lay sleeping in their beds and kissed them both on their foreheads. She hated herself for the double life she was living, and deep down, she knew that there was going to come a time when enough was enough – something had to give.
She woke up the next morning, and Gareth rolled over and looked her in the eyes.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Claudia,” he said sleepily.
August 21st, 7:25 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, I cannot begin to tell you how much you are consuming my thoughts. The more I think about you, the more I have to pinch myself to remind myself that you are real. You are still the same boy that I fell in love with all those years ago, yet you seem so different. I really love the person you have become.
I know we went over Christine and you and Gareth and I last night, but I must just say once again how freaky it is that we are basically sitting in the same situation, both feeling guilty because of the strength we are drawing from each other. It is immensely powerful, so much so that I think we both feel that we almost have an edge over our situations.
Gareth knows something is up. This morning, he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why would he say something like that when deep down he is so unhappy in our marriage? He’s always moaning about how much I’ve changed. He says he’s proud of who I’ve become but can’t understand why there’s no closeness between us, even though I’ve told him why so many times. I swear he thinks I’m making things up.
On Friday night, we went out for pizzas with the boys, and I bumped into a friend who is going through a divorce but who seemed incredibly happy. I was telling Gareth about her, and he looked at me and said, “Is that what you want? A divorce?”
So I said, “Maybe, or perhaps a six-month break”.
He laughed and said that there was no way in hell that I could live without him for six months.
Sometimes, I think he is so conceited.
August 21st, 9:55 am
Alex Winterton
Falling asleep last night was no easy task at all. Thoughts of you consumed me, too.
Young lady, seventeen years ago, I was a young and immature punk with very little, if any, focus at all. It was all about going out with mates and getting as drunk as possible. Today, you are being re-introduced to a well-groomed, intelligent, keenly focused young man.
As for the spouse’s saga, I sense your frustration, and for that, I am truly sorry, but at the same time, I am glad that we can share this part of our lives with each other.
I am so happy with us right now. In fact, you have no idea…
August 21st, 18:10 pm
Claudia Stevenson
I like the description of the New You. I didn’t quite ever see you as the young, immature punk you described, but I totally love the man you have become!
You think you’re happy? I’m totally and blissfully elated. I am still pinching myself that we’re here – that you’re here, in my life, in a way that I never dreamed possible.
It was hardly noticeable at first, but the pounding walls that surrounded the eye of that perfect storm had begun to gain momentum.
Tips of white were forming on the crests of the waves that surrounded Alex and Claudia as they tried to escape. Escape from their current lives. To see the sun shine again. To feel the gentle breeze of the ocean dance between them.
The sky grew dark, and the sun clenched her golden rays into her fist. The black swan had begun its approach…
Two lives hanging in the balance, like the metal balls suspended from a frame in a Newton’s Cradle. Click. The sound as one ball swings and collides with the others. Silence. Stillness. The energy flows through, and suddenly, the ball at the end lifts and swings and collides back on itself. Click. And the energy flows backwards again.
A soul will always remain at rest until it is acted upon by another force.
August 22nd, 12:45 am
Alex Winterton
Good morning, gorgeous!
So, I promised you a little something, and here it is:
I’d like you to close your eyes and imagine the following…
White desert beach sand. A moonless night sky sprinkled with stars that glimmer in a crescendo of dark to white light. The sound of waves crashing against the shoreline and the silence as the tide pulls them back in again.
Your feet are bare and sunken into the cool, soft sand. The warm summer night air tickles your skin, and you feel your dress brush against your thighs.
You smile to yourself and turn around to make your way to our room. You watch the flickering of the candles dance in unison with the rhythm of your soul.
You find a beautifully lit, sensual, pulsating Jacuzzi. You slowly remove your dress and slip into the warm water. You feel the jets pound against your soft skin. You close your eyes and tilt your head backwards, taking in the warmth and peace that surrounds you.
You open your eyes sleepily as you sense my presence in the room. I hold out an open towel to you, and as you rise, I wrap it around your soft, sweet-smelling skin and slip you into a soft, silky gown that flows over your body.
I place my arm around your waist and lead you through to the master bedroom, where soft, relaxing music plays in the background. As you lay down on the bed, I rub a combination of sweet-smelling oils into my hands and begin to massage your body, starting with your back and neck, then your legs and arms and finally your feet and hands. I can feel you drift in and out of a tranquil sleep as my hands caress your body.
I gently touch those parts of your body that I have craved to touch for so long. I can sense that you are aching for me, and my body tingles as you reach out and open the wrap that covers my waist.
Our bodies press against each other, lips and tongues collide, and as you look up into my eyes, I feel our souls connect. We move in unison, our hearts racing, our souls entwined, our bodies as one. The suppressed yearning and hunger that each of us has carried for all these years melts into a frenzy of passion that neither has experienced before, and we both gasp for air as the fever consumes us and sends us soaring over the edge of reason into unbridled ecstasy.
Lying in each other’s arms and gazing into one another’s eyes, the morning light teases her way through the curtains and plays with the dark locks of hair that have fallen across your face. We smile at each other, knowing that, at last, the missing puzzle pieces in our lives have found their way home.
The End
Desperation. Disillusionment. Longing. Escape.
Reading Alex’s message sent shockwaves through Claudia’s body. She felt as if she was about to pass through a thin veil into an alternate universe.
Everything felt completely and utterly surreal.
August 22nd, 7:25 am
Claudia Stevenson
Alex, you amaze me more and more every day. Just when you’ve blown me away with one thing, you have me panting over another! I pictured everything so clearly. I could actually see us there together. I could feel your body close to mine, the heat between us as you wrapped that towel around me. I could feel the stifled breathing. I could feel your hands rubbing up and down my body, and I could feel my body arching as the delicious sensations rippled through my very being. You have no idea how you’re making me feel. If I were a man, I would be wearing a really baggy pair of pants right now.
I hardly slept last night, and yes, I was very tempted to come down to the office and see what you’d written. But there is something exciting about waking up with the sun peeking over the horizon, knowing that my real sunshine has written something beautiful for me, so I let the suspense drag out a bit.
Right now, it feels as if without us, nothing else would be happening. I feel as if I have this amazing power, that nothing can touch me right now.
All I want to do is be with you, and I am starting to wonder how much more of this I can take before I crack.
Claudia clicked the send button and sat back in her chair, running her fingers through her hair. At that moment, she felt as if she was balancing on a sword’s edge, about to be torn in two between loyalty and love. The pain was so great and so unbearable, and she felt like screaming out in agony.
Gareth stormed into her office, waving a piece of paper about.
“I’ve asked you a hundred times already,” he yelled. “When are you going to call the municipality and sort this mess out?”
Claudia felt her soul and her body collide as she was sucked back to reality at the sound of Gareth’s voice.
“Gareth, I’m running my own business. I’m not your secretary,” she protested. “Can’t you just sort your own stuff out? This is your account, not mine.”
“I’m so sick of you, Claudia,” he continued. “Always passing the buck when it comes to anything that has something to do with me. I do so much for you. Honestly, I don’t know why I am even married to you.”
Claudia baulked. She had heard those lines so many times before and had always responded in the same kind, gentle way, never wanting to disappoint her children, her family, his family, and most importantly, herself by having to label herself and the lives of her children with the dreaded “D” word.
But this time was different. It was as if she had been chained to a pole her whole life, and each time Gareth had threatened her with divorce, she had pulled away from the pole, but she’d never been strong enough to set herself free. This time, however, it felt as if a weak link in the chain had been exposed, that she just had to tug on it one more time, just one more time, and it would snap, and she would fall and stumble and lift herself up off the ground and run away from everything as fast as she could; run away into the arms of the man she’d loved all her life.
“Are you asking me for a divorce, Gareth?” she asked as she sighed, feeling a sense of emptiness clouding her voice. “Because if that’s what you want, you can have it. It’s all yours. Take your ticket to freedom and run because I’m tired of you, and I’m tired of this marriage, and I want out.”
She felt her eyes well up with tears, shocked that she had summoned the power within her soul to utter those words but, at the same time, relieved that she had.
Gareth stormed out of the office, furious. Confused. Sad.
“Fuck you, Claudia,” he yelled back at her. “Fuck you!”
He went upstairs and pulled a suitcase from the top shelf and stood motionless as he lost his grip on the handle, and it fell heavily to the floor. His hands were shaking. He stared blankly at the shelves of clothes in front of him. Could this really be happening? Was Claudia really being serious? Was it really over?
He zipped open the suitcase and swept his clothes off the shelves into it. He could feel his jaw aching as he clenched his teeth. No, it couldn’t be over. He didn’t really mean it. Surely she knew that he was just trying to scare her?
A feeling of panic overcame him, and he stopped what he was doing and ran back down the stairs and into the office. Claudia looked up at him, not sure what to say or think. The look on his face scared her.
“Can we talk about this in the house,” he said quietly, not wanting Claudia’s staff to hear what was going on. “Now, please.”
Claudia nodded and followed Gareth back to the house, her heart pounding uncontrollably in her chest. Her mind was in a whirl. She had a way out, but suddenly it felt as if she had driven her car off a bridge into a lake, and the car was slowly filling up with water. She was suffocating, and although she could see the sun and the sky outside, she wasn’t sure if she had the strength to pry the door open and swim to the surface.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked as they stood facing each other.
Claudia swallowed hard and nodded.
“Gareth, it’s time. You know as well as I do that this isn’t working. I am never going to be the wife you want me to be – you keep telling me that. Every time we argue, you ask for a divorce. Why is it different this time?”
“I don’t want to lose you, Claudia,” pleaded Gareth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t mean what I said. I love you. Please, can we try to work this out?”
Claudia felt the darkness closing in on her and fought against it with every fibre of her being. She wasn’t going to drown. Not this time.
In her mind, she pictured Alex and the future that they might now be able to have together. She had lost him once. She wasn’t going to let him slip through her fingers again.
“Are you leaving me for Denise?” she heard him ask, the feeling of suffocation closing in on her like a thick mist, it’s icy fingers running up her back and tightening around her throat.
“No, Gareth,” Claudia said, sighing as she caught her reflection in the mirror behind him. “It’s not Denise. I just can’t do this anymore. Can’t you just accept that things are over between us?”
Claudia watched as Gareth’s face darkened. She was acutely aware of the pain that was tearing through his heart, but she knew that if she backed out now, she would have surrendered her one and only opportunity to release herself from his grip.
He walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. She heard him pick up his car keys, and she shivered as he yelled back at her, “I’m fetching the children from school. And you’re going to tell them that you’re about to ruin their lives!”
Her ears were ringing, and her heart was pounding. She paced the room while she waited for him to return home with their children. She thought of Alex. She thought about Denise. She desperately tried not to picture her children’s faces when she broke the news to them. She was reeling with the heaviness of the responsibility of being the one to shatter their innocent lives.
Alex. She desperately needed to tell him what was going on. Claudia quickly typed a message to him explaining what had just happened. She felt as if she was slipping on a knife’s edge.
When Gareth returned home, he told the children to go downstairs with Claudia and wait for him. Claudia’s skin prickled as she heard his footsteps coming down the spiral staircase. Every step that he took symbolised a step closer to one world ending and another beginning.
Ross and Kyle sat quietly, unsure of the reason for this strange family gathering. Gareth sat down and looked directly into Claudia’s eyes.
“Go on then,” he said, “Tell them what you’ve done.”
Claudia frowned, and she felt the tears welling up in her eyes.
“My boys,” she whispered between stilted sobs. “Your father and I are getting divorced.”
She gulped as she watched their eyes widen.
“I’m so sorry,” she continued, her voice shaking. “But please know that we’re both going to still be in your lives, and we’re going to make sure that this is not too difficult for you. I promise that with all my heart and soul.”
Kyle, in absolute shock and disbelief, had tears streaming down his little face. Ross whimpered, unable to comprehend what was being discussed. As a six-year-old, the word “divorce” was foreign to his vocabulary.
Claudia heard the ruffling of a plastic bag, and she moved her focus away from the boys towards Gareth. He was standing now and walked towards the boys carrying two heavy wads of elastic-bound cash notes in his hands. Bewildered, Claudia watched in slow motion as he handed each child one of these bundles.
“My boys,” he said, “take this cash and go and buy yourselves something special with it. I hope it’s enough. I’m so sorry. I love you guys.”
He turned and placed one of his hands on the railing of the staircase.
“This is the last time that you will ever see me,” he said, his eyes darting between Claudia and the boys. “And you,” he said in what sounded like a growl from a person possessed by a demon, “you, Claudia, have blood on your hands, and you’re not welcome at my funeral.”
With that, he turned and walked up the staircase. Claudia drew her children close, staring in blank disbelief at the empty space in which he had stood so resolute just a few minutes before, and she felt a strange feeling of anger welling up in her belly.
“How dare he?” she thought to herself, fighting back the tears. “He’s fucking crazy!”
She had heard him make idle threats, although not as dramatic as this one, during their tumultuous marriage, and she wondered what on earth to make of this one. In that moment, it felt as if the world had stopped spinning, and an eerie silence crept into the room, enveloping Claudia and her children.
“What did he mean, Mommy,” asked Kyle. “What did he mean when he said you’ve got blood on your hands?”
Claudia breathed in deeply and sighed, wiping the tears from Kyle’s face, “I don’t know, my darling, I don’t know. But don’t be scared. I will protect both of you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Daddy’s just angry. Everything will be okay.”
If you enjoyed these first chapters and you’d like to read the rest of my book, it is available to purchase in both Kindle and paperback format (there is a large print edition available too) from Amazon stores worldwide. Customers living in South Africa can order an autographed copy of the book from Red Pepper Online, or a regular, unautographed copy from Takealot.com